The Road from Fear to Love: Growing Up in Faith

When I was a kid, my view of God was shaped largely by fear. I believed in Him, but I saw Him almost like a judge with a hammer in His hand, waiting for me to mess up. Fear of hell was a real motivator for me. I wanted to obey Him, but deep down it wasn’t really because I loved Him - it was because I didn’t want to disappoint or anger Him.

Now, years later, as a husband and a father, I see things differently.

When I hold my daughter, I don’t want her to obey me because she’s afraid of me. I want her to trust me. I want her to know that even when she stumbles, she’s safe in my love. And that has changed how I see God.

Becoming a father didn’t just give me new responsibilities - it gave me a new lens. When I look at my little girl, I begin to understand just a fraction of how God looks at us. How He loves us. How He delights in our steps, even the wobbly ones. How His discipline flows from love, not fury.

As I reflect on my journey with Him, I can see distinct stages in how my view of God has grown. And I’ve come to believe spiritual maturity isn’t just about knowing more Scripture or doing more good works. It’s about how deeply we know God’s heart - and how that changes our own.

Here’s my working theory of spiritual growth. I don’t claim it’s perfect or exhaustive, and people can move back and forth between these stages at different points in life. But it’s what I’ve lived and what I’m still learning.

Stage 1: From Disbelief to Awakening

For as long as I can remember, I’ve known about God. I was raised in a Christian home, surrounded by Scripture, prayer, and church community. I can’t point to a single moment when I didn’t believe He existed.

But for many of us raised in faith, the first stage isn’t moving from disbelief to belief. It’s moving from a borrowed faith to a personal one.

For years, my understanding of God was shaped by what I had been taught rather than what I had experienced. I knew about Him, but I didn’t yet know Him deeply. He felt more like a distant figure - someone real, but not necessarily personal. Faith was part of my life, but not yet the center of it.

At some point, though, something begins to stir. For some, it’s a conversation. For others, it’s a season of doubt or suffering. For me, it was a mixture of the above along with the realization that secondhand faith isn't enough. It has to become real. It had to become mine.

Jesus said:

“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.” (John 6:44, ESV)

God has a way of drawing us closer, even if we’ve known His name for years. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s a shaking that wakes us up. Either way, it’s the gentle pull of a Father who wants to be known, not just acknowledged.

That’s what this stage is: not the birth of belief, but the awakening of the heart. The light begins to shift. Faith starts to move from the head to the heart.

This is the first step of the journey.

Stage 2: Obedience Driven by Fear

Once we awaken to God, many of us begin our journey here.

I was terrified of doing the wrong thing. I feared hell. I worried that one mistake would undo everything. And while fear can be a beginning, it’s not meant to be the end.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” (Proverbs 9:10, ESV)

The more I reflect, the more I think the word beginning matters a lot in this passage. God uses holy fear to teach us reverence. But He does not intend for us to build our house there.

When we stay in this stage, faith feels fragile. We see God as an exacting taskmaster instead of a loving Father. Every failure feels fatal. Every mistake feels like it might make Him stop loving us.

But He never does. His goal isn’t to terrify us into submission. It’s to love us into trust.

And often, as fear begins to fade, something else takes its place.

Stage 3: Obedience Shaped by Duty

As we grow, fear often gives way to duty. We show up. We serve. We try to live rightly. On the surface, this stage looks strong - lots of church involvement, plenty of activity, obedience checked off like boxes on a list.

I spent years here. I was faithful, but often exhausted. I felt like I was doing the right things, but not always for the right reasons.

Duty is better than fear, but it still leaves something missing. Duty without delight turns the Christian life into a treadmill - moving constantly, but never feeling like you’ve arrived anywhere. It's more of a checklist than a convicting lifestyle.

Jesus addressed this with the church in Ephesus:

“But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.” (Revelation 2:4, ESV)

Obedience matters. But without love, it becomes hollow. And over time, God gently invites us into something deeper.

Stage 4: Obedience Motivated by Love

This is where everything begins to transform.

“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19, ESV)

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18, ESV)

Love changes how we see everything. When my daughter listens to me not because she’s scared, but because she knows I love her, it changes the whole relationship. That’s what God wants for us.

I remember a specific season when this shift became real to me. Prayer stopped feeling like a performance and started feeling like a conversation. Scripture stopped being a checklist and started feeling like a letter from someone who loved me. The difference wasn’t my discipline. It was love.

Think of Peter on the beach after denying Jesus. Jesus didn’t ask him, “Will you do better?” He asked him, “Do you love me?” That love became the anchor for Peter’s obedience moving forward.

This stage doesn’t mean perfection. We still stumble. But it’s here that obedience starts to flow from relationship, not fear or obligation.

Stage 5: Union and Intimacy with God

This is where I long to grow.

This stage isn’t about doing more. It’s about being with God. It’s where love grows quiet, steady, unshakable. Where obedience isn’t forced but flows from intimacy with Him. Where we can say with Paul:

“For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21, ESV)

“I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6, ESV)

I’ve had glimpses of this. Seasons where Scripture is a lifeline, not a chore. Where prayer feels like resting in my Father’s arms. Where I can trust His heart even when His hand is hard to see.

This isn’t a stage we “achieve.” It’s one God invites us to again and again as He matures us. It’s not a straight climb up a ladder, but a slow and faithful walk.

“But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.” (Hebrews 5:14, ESV)

So Let Me Ask You (as I ask myself):

• How has your view of God changed as you’ve grown?

• Are you living more in fear, in duty, or in love right now?

• Which stage do you most identify with in this season of your life?

• What would it look like to take one step toward deeper intimacy with Him?

• Are there old, false views of God you need to unlearn so you can rest in His love?

• How has your life stage - as a parent, friend, or leader - shaped your understanding of His heart?

A Closing Encouragement

God doesn’t demand instant maturity. He walks with us through every stage. He met me in fear. He met me in duty. He is meeting me now as I grow in love and learn to abide in Him more fully.

And that’s what He’ll do for you too.

Our spiritual journey isn’t about climbing a ladder of performance. It’s about walking hand in hand with a Father who loves us enough to grow us over time.

Even when we fall short, He’s patient. Even when we misunderstand Him, He keeps revealing His heart.

“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.” (2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV)

One day, we will see Him face to face. But until then, we keep growing - from fear to love, from duty to delight, from distance to intimacy.

Until the journey is complete,

Jonathan Pilgrim

P.S. This week, reflect on what stage you might be in right now. Talk to God honestly about it. Thank Him for meeting you where you are, and ask Him to help you take one small step closer to His heart.